I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
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