i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
