I wish I could teleport
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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