There is no way he is gay with that hair.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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