the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
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