I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
