Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
