then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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