I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
She's like a pop up book from hell.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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