did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
