dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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