hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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