Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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