I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize