The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Randomize
