I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
