Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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