On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
that may or may not have been my penis.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
