Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
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