Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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