Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
