i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Dick very happy bro
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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