I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Randomize
