actually, I'm a sock model
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
