if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize