i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize