Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Randomize
