You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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