where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
