Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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