im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
As shirtless as possible
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
