I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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