I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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