I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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