How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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