hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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