I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize