great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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