my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
