hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
do herpes really smell.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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