you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
It's official drugs can't kill me
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
