3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
