New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
