I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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