drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
