I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
