I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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