I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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