what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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