I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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