I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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