I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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