we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
