Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
