I met the friendliest cop last night
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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