I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Randomize
