Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
