Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
