best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
