I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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