Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
