you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
