I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
