Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
