Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
