turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
