She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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