dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
