did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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